For anyone out there who has struggled through a miscarriage, this post is for you. My first miscarriage was early (barely 6 weeks), and afterwards, I seemed to recover quickly, and I felt very peaceful. I focused on the word "hope," and Matt and I agreed that if our next daughter was a girl, her middle name would be Hope.
When I became pregnant so quickly again afterwards, I'd say my whole 10 weeks of pregnancy were characterized by hope. I thought this new baby was sent by God to comfort me, so when I started bleeding, I was shocked. The crying I did that day (my birthday) was the worst crying I've done in my life. I've written about this before, but honestly I felt like they were tears of despair.
As I continued to bleed, but without clots, I clung to hope for five days... until I started bleeding SO much heavier--blood pouring out of me, and I ran to the bathroom saying to Matt, "It's over, it's over, it's over."
This is one of those memories that will stick with me forever. It was so painful--both emotionally and physically.
The bleeding lasted for almost a month, much longer than the bleeding after my first miscarriage. I would tell myself, "You're strong, you can get through this..." At the same time, praying and crying, "God, why are You doing this?"
The recovery process began once again. But nothing has been quite the same. This miscarriage took me a weak place I've never experienced before. I'd go for days without crying, and then hear a song on the radio, and cry while driving home. Or I told Matt, "I want a baby," and then I'd cry for forever, because I wanted those babies.
There's also a new fear of pregnancy that I've never felt before. And fear of blood. Blood is such a scary sight when it's associated with a tiny life inside you.
There are several truths I've been holding onto this time around that have been very encouraging, even through the emotional struggle.
God knows what is happening. God is the One who is healing my body. God is the One who will enable me to conceive again. God is One who controls whether our next baby will live or die.
And best of all... God is my Father, and He loves me. He wants only the best for my life, whether or not I understand what He is doing all the time.